Soliloquy

The lights are out, the telephone is off,
The net is down, and I am off the line.
The door is shut, the evening is outside,
The room is warm, and I am on the ground.
If only it could cover what can't hide!
I want to run around and tell them No,
But all I really do is wait for Yes,
A Yes from you, to stop the silly things
I do for God against the gods of king
And country or the dollar or the few.
Who are you that I want your love so bad?
To make me wish that I were high or sad,
Just not the rubbed and rusted spoon I am?
A lion lairing, not a wayward lamb?
If you could pluck the jewels from my mind
Or find the treasure in my cave of blood;
If you could just draw near my dirty face
And cleanse with spit the deepening sores of soul;
Then I would jump and instantly sing praise,
Then strip myself and show myself to you
And you would be the mirror seeing me
See myself. We never talk anymore,
We never see each other now. "Don't talk
To me," I told you. "Live your joyful life."
I drew my words as if I'd drawn a gun,
As if the war I'm living can be won.
Ten thousand prayers, and still I'm off the mark.
When Jesus' strangers come I keep it dark.
It is not from but for you I've been freed;
There's nothing that you've got I really need.
Your life, too safe for truth, is still a sin,
But I can't tell you, with the shape I'm in.
When I made a secret vow to resist
The vow was mine alone; not to enlist,
Entice, seduce, or mystify a mass
Or only one whose open heart should pass.
I should be glad you do not lock my heart;
Instead I've taught myself the fettering art.
I'll fasten to the mountain's dangerous slope
With neither mount nor man being moved. Of hope
I've had my fill, and now I'll keep a fast
And wonder what you'll do if you climb past.